i am weak.

there you go. i have said it. something so hard to confess sometimes. weak: Lacking the power to perform physically demanding tasks; lacking physical strength and energy (can also be used in an emotional form). 


thats how i feel today. so you know what i did?


listened to- near to you by a fine frenzy, dream by priscilla ah, awake my soul by mumford and sons, each coming night by iron and wine, night minds by missy higgins, and all those other slow sad songs. some take me back to memories that i consider my favorite. 


i also laid in my bed. i love my bed. my bed holds tears, secrets, and never ending comfort. it doesn't judge and it's always there. call me crazy but when i'm having a rough day or even the best day ever i can't wait until i get to go to bed. 


and then.. i cried. and i let myself feel it. my cheeks soaked in the salty tears rolling down and my soul soaked in the heartbreak, amazing memories, and emotions that for too long i haven't allowed myself to feel. 


in one of my recent posts i talked about how many times someone will read a blog or look at pictures and wish they were happy like them but in reality all of us are hurting we just don't let it show. well i guess today you get to see me hurting. 


i'm nervous to move out, i miss a boy, i'm afraid of college, my skin decided to break out (i thought that ended with high school..), my room is messing, i'm sad for almost no reason at all, i miss my mom, i miss january, i miss my grandpa, i'm nervous.


life is sometimes really hard but thank goodness for the times that make it all worth it. because today is a hard day and thats ok. 


so today:
i'm going to clean my room and my car, i'm going to put on a favorite outfit, i'm not going to do my hair, i'm going to go to salt lake, i'm going to clog and maybe even dance in my room to my sad songs for the soul playlist, i'm going to drive in the rain and sing my heart out, and if i feel like i need to cry again i'm going to. because today i'm going to let myself soak in all the emotions. i'm going to feel. 

life is good, just not always easy. and thats an important part in paving my life. much love.

jamaican dreams.

i'm back and alive. this trip was very eye opening and so fun. but hold on to your seats, this is a major picture overload but hey thats what i went there for so it's fine.

first day: we (me and a girl that works with my aunt katie and natty but on a different plane) flew from salt lake to florida. they had to do a business meeting there so i went out and explored. it was really humid and there are the most random animals every where. like lizards. everywhere. and ducks just roaming in parking lots. HUGE spiders. massive. and toads. also huge. i also sat by the pool and just relaxed.

day 2: we flew into the beautiful island of Jamaica. this country is very different. when you land you feel like you are going to land in the ocean. but its really pretty. we went with a jamaican man named alton who is hilarious. once we got there we had to go through customs. the lady that took my passport must have been having a rough day because she did not want to let me in! she wanted all my flight papers and exactly where i was staying and just being a little over the top. after what seemed like forever we finally got to the rental car and on our way we went. in the city people just drive where ever they really want. and people walk where ever and whenever they want. but they were also selling things so they weren't just walking on the street they were walking in the lanes while cars were going like 40 mph. it was insane. thankfully alton drove so we did just fine. we landed in montego bay but then drove to ocho rios where we stayed at the RIU resort. this is the drive that was most eye opening and more then once my eyes got watery. some people in jamaica actually probably most live in little metal huts. they send their kids out to sell fruit to make money for them to eat. and it's quite shocking and made me so grateful for the country and home i live in. we also exchanged money to jamaican dollars which is odd because 10 dollars to us is like 1,000 dollars in jamaica so that was really weird. however the resort was sooo nice. you'll see from the pictures below. the sunset was unreal. and so was the food. i tried so many different things i can't even name them all. i was even willing to do spicy. if you know me you know i don't do spicy. at all. we also went to a show at the resort and walked the beach at night under the thousands of stars. it was unreal. a dream.

the third day: it started a little think this. i woke up at 5 to see the sunset. it was a little cloudy but still worth it. i got pictures of one of the pools with no one in it and got to take a minute to enjoy the quiet waves and being alone. okay katie was with me but still. it was so good. we then ate breakfast again sooooo much food. i literally don't know how i ate so much. and after that we swam, did beach and water aerobics, drank endless amounts of smoothies, learned to dance, played beach volleyball, played in the ocean, and of course ate. however we had to leave to go to kingston but i wish we could have stayed longer. but the drive to kingston was like driving through the rain forest. it was exactly that. and people selling amazing fruit on the side of the road. again little kids walking up to your car to earn money, amazing views. i'll the the pictures speak on this one. once we got to kingston we went to this place to try jerk chicken and we also tried festivals. (fried bread sticks) sooo good.

fourth day: my aunt and katie had to do meetings all day so i sat out by the pool. there was no way i would ever go out and explore kingston by myself. i was the only blonde hair blue eye girl most of these people had ever seen and it would be really scary. this was also something that was way different. people would stare at us and want to take pictures with us. and when i would talk to someone they just wanted to look at my eyes. it was really different. anyway. this day was kinda stormy so i ready my book and took a nap in the little lounge area. we attended a meeting at night and it was sooo hot. we were dressed in business clothes and sweating so much.. but we ended the night by eating again at the jerk chicken place and trying patties. (these are like fried scones with beef or chicken in them) that night we went swimming and once again it felt like heaven.

the last day: we decided to treat ourselves to the spa before we boarded the plane to come home. i almost didn't make it home when i almost lost my boarding pass... no worries. i found it and then we continued on :)

so so grateful for this experience. so eye opening and wonderful. definitely a major piece of pavement in my life. hope you enjoyed it. much love.