a rough start and a hopeful end.

well 2013 you have taught me a lesson already.

my family has decided that it is already 2014 and will be celebrating with some waffles and ice cream shortly. you are all invited.

it has been a rough start to the new year. just a few days in my dad was really not feeling well. my dad is one tough guy so after many days or always not feeling good my mom took him to the doctor. doctor after doctor we still weren't getting anywhere. then after an MRI they found things. I can remember sitting in the physics lab trying to get my homework done when I got a call from my mom. she started out calm asking me the regular questions then got very emotional as she told me they found lesions on my dads brain with the beginning signs of MS. (not diagnosed and still is going through many tests to figure it out) I hung up the phone picked up my things and walked to my little dorm room. As soon as I got through the doors the tears came and lots of them. I interned in the hospital and have seen what happens to MS patience. I had just heard of a lady who died because of it. I was a mess for a few days. I had never really seen my dad in pain and now it was constantly there.

Just the day before I had been sitting and doing math homework when I got a call from my mom informing me that my great aunt passed away. Someone who was like a grandma to me. Yes she was quite old and now reunited with her sweetheart but I was still a little sad that there would no longer be visits to her home and stories of her life.

This all happened in one week with the fact that my aunt was having labor contractions and was no where near close to delivering a baby that could survive. Needless to say there were many teary phone calls between me and my mom and constant worry. Not too long after that my uncle was taken in for an emergency surgery on his gallbladder when just right around new years his son (my cousin) was flown to primary children's with RSV.

It was like a never ending series of bad events. Then the microwave burned up and a light shattered almost hitting all of us in the kitchen, someone broke into Kyles bands van and stole their things, Trevor's car got towed, my dad was still going to doctor after doctor without really getting answers.

and now just a few days ago another sweet great aunt passed away and was still pretty young. after battling diabetes she passed away leaving her husband, kids, and grandkids. it was so so sad. she was an amazing example and had actually been doing really well.

so we decided it was time for a vacation. we picked up and went to vegas for the weekend. things went great! we had a lot of fun and laughed the whole time. between sprinting to make it to a show on the strip to teasing katie about everything possible it was a very good get a way and just what i think we all needed.

then yesterday happened. first you must know that i have dyslexia. it really hasn't effected me a whole lot but during college has been one of my hardest trials. i'm reading tests wrong, getting off on numbers and bubbles, forgetting negatives, etc. yesterday after taking another test and doing really awful on it i called my mom in frustration. people always have these stories where they were so hard and then they pray and come out of the testing center with a great grade. i just want that to happen once. just one time.  i study my heart out and really try to understand, ask questions, and get help in any way i can. i spend countless hours in labs and reviews and yet can never get a good score. my mom told me how we should find someone to help me more and maybe look into having the test given orally to me or find a program i can go to. now i know my mom was trying to help and just felt bad but me being selfish told her that i don't want to go somewhere or talk to someone and just have them tell me that i'm stupid. i don't think anyone wants that experience. i just wanted my hard work to pay off and to show in my test scores. i didn't want anxiety to once again ruin another grade. i didn't know what to do anymore. my sweet mom was so good about comforting me and finding somethings that might help and some other things i'm going to try put in all it was another horrible day which seem to be more frequent this year.

thankfully i do have an amazing family that is ready to fight anything that comes our way. and though we still don't really know what going on with my dad he has had some better days and my family has become even closer. i also have great friends who support me and are always there for me to talk to. and for that i am extremely grateful.

so even though this year has had the roughest and hardest of days i know that as always things will be okay. i have an amazing life that i am so thankful for. it's interesting, around my birthday i choose a "word" to live by with han. hers is rise and mine is hope. how fitting for a year like this. but i do have hope that everything will work out and that i will be okay. my mom brought up a really good point yesterday she said, "sometimes you have to go through things because you'll be able to help people in a different way because what you experienced." so i want to pass that along to all of you. though you may feel like you are climbing a mountain of troubles that is just never being conquered remember that you are going through that to help someone else along the way. because of your trails you will have an impact that changes the world for someone.

i wanted to share this little mormon message because this is what gets me through my hard days.

and this song because i have an amazing friend who made me a playlist of songs to help me on my not so great days. it's been a huge blessing and has helped so much.

and a few pictures that bring me smiles and good memories.

thanks for reading.

aware to care: dancing in heaven.

utah county lost a beautiful girl yesterday. though i never personally knew her, with her quite often visits to victoria secret i could tell she was one of a kind and lit up the whole place with her big smile. and with my roommate, hannah, dancing with her for years,  i have heard endless stories or her wonderful personality. my heart aches for her family and best friends. as i was thinking about how unreal it seemed that this could happen to such a happy girl i started to really think about things. there are many many happy people going through hard times. and maybe we don't see it but it's happening every day around us.

every year 402 utahans commit suicide while 4,152 attempt.
it is the second leading cause of death in ages 10 to 24.
3 utah youths are treated everyday for suicide attempts.
utah has one of the highest suicide rates in the U.S.

the sadness, pain, and endless questions are heart breaking. as i am sure most of you have noticed, scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, and other social media, many have shared their love for Sydney and hundreds of prayers have been offered in behave of her and her family.

whether you were extra close to her or not, Sydney taught us all a lesson in her own special way. hold your family a little closer, love your friends a little more, be a little kinder. the community has come together in an amazing way to celebrate the life of the beautiful girl.

now let us all take this lesson. let's be AWARE TO CARE. "be kind to people, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

give a smile to someone you walk by, post a nice comment on a picture or Facebook wall, give a sincere compliment and look them in the eye, give a hug, really listen when someone is talking to you, reach out a little more, invite someone who may be alone to join your friends. the difference YOU can have is literally life changing in some people's lives. and all you have to do are little, simple things everyday.

i don't know about you but yesterday i noticed all the things i take for granted and just how precious life is. and now i'm making a promise to myself to reach out to others a little bit more, be a little friendlier, and most importantly remember i am a daughter of a heavenly father who loves me and he loves YOU just the same. the love i feel from Him i want to spread to each person i meet.

it's one smile. one, "how are you doing today?", one text saying you were thinking about them and how much they mean to you, one small think that makes a world of difference.

though i didn't know her super well, this one is for Sydney who lit up every room she walked into, put a smile on each persons face, and danced to her own lively song. may she always be in our hearts, and let us never forget her amazing impact.

spread the love here on earth while she does it in heaven and all around us with her continuing spirit.

you and your family are in mine and so many others prayer's.

may we all strive to reach out more, be a little kinder, and may Syd's smile shine on forever.