this last weekend i drove to salt lake a few different times to take pictures at a convention. as i was driving i had lots of time to think. driving to salt lake is one of my all time favorite drives. i really don't know why, there isn't even anything really amazing about it. maybe i just know it really well. anyway. i started thinking about lots of things that have happened in my life and started thinking about what if i knew when things were going to happen before they did? for example, what if you knew right when you first met "that boy" the date you were going to break up, what if you knew the date a family member or friend would expectedly pass away, what if you knew the date when someone close to you gets diagnosed with cancer? and for a moment i thought maybe that would be nice because then you could be prepared for that awful heartbreak. but then i really thought about it. me being the person i am, if someone told me the date when a unexpected turn was going to happen i would spend all my time trying to push back that date. i would tell myself it wasn't really going to happen, i wouldn't let myself fall in love, i would play everything very safe, and yes maybe sometimes i would make the most of every moment but i know when it got close to that day i would try with everything in my power to push it away. how awful would that be? maybe you are different but all i know is that i would hate it.
next. there is something that i really don't think anyone know about me. i count everything. examples: it should take my about 9 seconds to fill my cereal with milk, i count to 11 to get just enough water in my cup at the cannon, i count to 6 at drinking fountains, i hold my hair in a curling iron for 23 seconds then count down from 10 really fast, i count how many steps i should take in a certain square on the side walk, how long it takes for the light to change from red to green, how many days have gone by since this and that have happened and a lot of other weird things. its like i'm paranoid! and if i don't count i suddenly have to fear that something is going to go wrong. i tried to stop but it's like a habit now or something. there really isn't a point to telling you this. but you have learned something new about me.
another thing. a year ago my life totally changed. new friends, new relationships, and just a whole new outlook on my life. me and a very dear friend of mine were talking about this and about how now the tables have totally turned and we are sitting in my car and instead of her telling me that it was time to change things and that i would be happier i was telling her those things. it's like we had the same conversation just in the opposite position. we talked about how amazing it was that we can go days with out talking but when we see each other we just pick up where we left off, how with one phone call we will drop what ever we are doing, and that we will always be best friends. this week has been a hard one for her but since she was there for me when i needed her i will always be there for her.
the last. last night me and han were talking when we probably should have been sleeping about how our lives are going and where they will take us. i had been feeling like something was missing in my daily routine but i couldn't really tell what it was. all of a sudden in the middle of our conversation i realized i have no goals. i mean i do but i haven't written them down. ever since i was a little one i would write down my goals and put them somewhere i would be able to see them every day. so at 1 am i pulled out my computer and made my list of goals and started feeling much better. as i got through most of them i thought about one that's been on my mind for some time. how i treat others. not just when i'm with them but even when they aren't around. and how i view them. there are a lot of people i probably haven't been the nicest too or maybe i'm just jealous of them but them but i have decided that i'm going to write them a little note. even if they really don't even know me. and then i'm going to do better.
i know this is all really random and probably boring but it sums up four things: one that we all have weird thoughts but they help us realize that there is a time and place for everything and it may be hard and awful but there is a very important lesson that we are supposed to learn. two, we all have weird random things about us that no one really knows. not those deep dark secrets, just the little quirks that show who we are. three: that best friends are important and even when things get hard they will always be there for you. and fourth: have goals. but also be kind to everyone around you. each person has their own struggles and not very many people know what they are going through. i also encourage you to write that person that maybe came up in your head as you read about them. maybe it's even someone you really appreciate and look up to. i'm sure a little note would make their day.
and what's a blog post with out some pictures?
just a post on some reminiscing. much love.
